The Meltdown

Lately I have been feeling really down and out. For the past couple of weeks I really haven't been able to put a finger on why I have been feeling this way and I still can't. Usually I try to mask my feelings by spending money. Well last night I went to the Casino and lost almost $500.00. Do I really care um not really. I had fun. I work so hard to save and I never really take anytime to do anything for myself. I got home at 7:00am and went to bed until 2:30pm. My roommate left to hangout with his friends and I am here at home. Well I am down I don't know what to do. I lit candles and listened to music. I have drank a half bottle of wine and probably will drink the rest. I am about to order a pizza and just stay in. I mean I live in a city with a mass number of guys but I still can't even seem to date anyone. I really don't know what is wrong with me besides the obvious. As I sat here drinking today I thought back to my last BF. I was never alone when I was with him. We spent time together daily. Do I miss him um I really don't know. I don't know if I miss the idea of being in a relationship or the idea of being with him. Well I guess I am going to order my pizza now and complete the rest of my wine.

Atlanta’s Quantity VS Quality Problem Part 1

So this past weekend was one of the biggest weekends that the Atlanta Community can experience. However, my close friends and I decided that we would keep away from it all and we did.

One of my associates from Philadelphia came here this weekend and pleaded to see me the whole weekend. Well I explained to him that I had no desire to be at any of the events or venues because honestly I am just not into that scene like that. I mean sure it can be fun if you want to club etc but I think that I have looked beyond the people who come (some attractive and some not) and I am taking the situation for what it is.  He was upset because he said dudes here are BS. I had to remind him that all people here aren’t BS. I mean honestly what kind of person would you expect to meet during a Pride event? This is where my mind thought to the 80/20 rule for Atlanta.

When you look at Atlanta from a far; if you are naïve you would think that you could move here and instantly have someone. Well that statement is both true and false. Sure you can have someone to sleep with but someone who is more than that, probably not. Atlanta has the largest Black population of homosexual males and yet the relationship ratio here is very small. Why is this? Well there are several different things that could attribute to this; but it all boils down to quantity vs. quality. We have as many people as your eye can see however; most of the people are not of quality.

Quality is defined differently by different people. It doesn’t have to be materialistic; however must of Atlanta sees it this way. What I think are some simple basic qualities are someone who is trying to progress themselves in society to be a better person. All too often the people here are so wrapped up into this lifestyle before they know it years have passed them by. They have no formal education, no career, and many of them have no real family support system. I am not here trying to judge anyone because we all have our faults and so do I, I am merely trying to point out some qualities of Atlanta that makes us have the quantity but we lack the quality.

In smaller cities there is a smaller quantity of people therefore it is less competitive and people have more time to focus on qualitative things in life.  People find someone and they are happy with them. Every time you walk out the door you don’t see someone who is tantalizing to the eye and you think that you may have a chance of living a happier life with them rather than with who you are already with.

Well this wraps up the introduction to my thoughts however there is much more to come. I welcome all questions and comments.

He Bust the Window Out His Car

So Friday was a very interesting day. When I was at work I decided that I would create my own get away for the weekend but stay here in the city. I booked a hotel room at the Hyatt Regency on Peachtree. I went home packed a bag for the night and headed to the hotel. It was a very nice room. I sat on the bed listed to my I-POD and enjoyed the view. Peace and quite finally. I didn’t have to hear anything other than my own heart beat. Sometimes you just need to spend some time alone to gather yourself and think about your life and how things are going. Well Jamison and Ava wanted to go to dinner, so Jamison came and picked me up from the hotel and we went to Chow Baby.
As we walked up we saw Fred with this peculiar guy and we spoke as we were seated. It was Jamison’s first time there so I was a little nervous. He can be quite pretentious at times. Well we waited in line for about 20 minutes before finally preparing our food. We sat back down and waited for the server to bring it to us. We ate out first plate and enjoyed the company of each other. This was what I have been missing for so long. Being able to live in the city and enjoy city life with those who are closet to me. Being out in the suburbs has been great for me for the last six months for many reasons but now it is time to move back.
As we left we were walking to the car and I noticed glass on the ground. Instantly I knew something was wrong. Jamison’s passenger back window has been busted out. Well Ava being the blonde that he is left his messenger bag with his Mac and camera and some other stuff. It was all gone. Jamison was upset I could tell. I tend to know how Jamison is. Most often he is very self centered about things in life so he was upset that his car window had been broken into. I mean I have had my place robbed so I was calm and cool. I tried to be there for both friends. I mean Ava had been most devastated because he just lost a Mac in which he does most of his work on and a camera. This would be way more than the $200 bucks to fix the window and Jamison didn’t think about that. I talked to Jamison about it and tried to get him to understand and he finally did. Sometimes I just wish Jamison wouldn’t be so self centered. But we all have our own flaws and I have mine as well.
When I called the APD (Atlanta Police Department) I spent 5 minutes on hold. For heavens sake suppose it was a real emergency by the time they got to the phone I am sure I would have been dead by then. After the police arrived we left and went to the gas station to vacuum the glass from the car. I told Jamison that we would get the window fixed on Saturday. He dropped me back at my hotel and I relaxed to music and went to sleep.

It was a terrible, horrible, no goof very bad day

So it is 4:20pm and I am sitting in the BMW dealership getting my tire changed. My day just seems to be getting worse by the minutes but I will not let it get me down. Fred Hammond's song "No Weapon" is still fresh on my mind. These are the days in which I must hold fast to the lessons that God teaches us. I have been reading my Bible just as I promised I would at church and I will not let these things get me down.

Today at work I totally went off on my co-workers. I am so tired of these middle aged adults who can't seem to ever see the perspective of life through someone else's other than their own. I mean damn if the world would take into consideration other people's opinions weather you agree with them or not and just listen to then at least you could maybe understand why some people are the way they are. So after our conversation about healthcare I got quiet and began to read my bible. I didn't say much to anyone and everyone thought I had a attitude. I went back to my office sent my boss a email that said I would be taking the rest of the day off and left. Everyone from work was sending me text saying they were worried blah blah blah. I was like there is nothing to worry about I just have to clear my head.

I assume that since I lost my job this same week last year it opened my eyes a lot on the world. I use to think that it was everyone else's fault for being in the situation that they are in and they should work and correct their own problems. But God totally broke me down and built me back up over the past year so I can have a better understanding of my purpose here on this earth. Luke Chapter 3:11 He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise. I believe that this is something very dear to my heart. As I look around and see so many people in need one day I will be blessed so that i may help these people.

But anyway let me go I keep rambling on its been a while since I blogged.

The Plan

So it has been a while since I have made an entry into my blog. I guess I need to get myself together and be a bit more focused. School this semester has been relatively simple. My class was Statistics for Managers so either you know it or you don't. I have to take my final this week so keep your fingers crossed.

Over the past couple of week several things have happened and have made me realize that I am supposed to take control of my life and set the path and let GOD help me to travel the path he has laid for me.

Jamison, Corey, and I went and had pizza one day and I enjoyed the time. This is something simple that we all do but how often do you do it with your real and true friends. That following Thursday we went to the gym and then ran up Stone Mountain. It was my first time. We finally made it to the top. It was fun and I appreciate Corey for taking me. The Mountain had two meanings for me. Not only physical but it also stood for something else. I had the endurance to climb this mountain to make it to the top so I can have the endurance to change my life how I want it.

Since I have turned 25 my life has made a huge U-turn. Everything has always been so picture book and I had no worries in the world. But then I lost my job, my home( I was robbed), and other things as well. So now it is time for the plan. Thus far for the year I have stuck with my goals of work, school, and the gym but now it is time to expand.

I have a unique opportunity handed to me by a friend. I have paid down my credit card debts from 32K to a mere 8K what an accomplishment. I have also managed to start saving money. So yesterday I thought about it. If I am able to save 10k a year that would be enough to cover my mortgage if I got a home for a whole year. So that means that next year I would need to do the same thing to cover it for the next year. So there is the plan.

My career well as for now it is what it is. We are in a terrible recession so I am just happy to be employed. But inside I feel that when I have completed my MBA there will be a change. I feel like I am being called to help those less fortunate. Not by giving clothes to goodwill so they can resell them or to give food to shelters so they can charge the people $7.00 a day to live there but to actually help the people. If I was blessed to have the money. I would build something similar to a condo tower but instead employ it with those people who have found themselves homeless. This will allow them to have a modest salary to help pay for their living expenses while being there. I would also be able to provide healthcare and educational services to these people. I have sat here and realized that I can't sit and wait for someone else to do these things. If it is something that I want to do then I am going to have to just do it. 

Well I think I have vented enough. Have a great Sunday.

~Smooches~

The MJ Memorial

So I just as the rest of the world watched the MJ Memorial on TV. My entire office stopped and congregated together to watch it for a hour on TV then we all went to our computers where CNN did a horrible job of streaming it to us. So on to the memories of the Memorial.

My co workers mostly female tripped me out as they were "reading" during the entire memorial. Lets see first we had Mrs. Cannon-Carey who did a um not too great job. I think that Whitney Houston would have done better. (Check out her new songs to come out on youtube). Next we had Al Sharpton who is just a train wreck form the 60's everyone promptly starting doing their actual work because he just doesn't interest very many people. Next up we have USHER who did a very good job. I skipped some people because they weren't very memorable. But what did make me mad was that congresswoman who wanted to put a bill on the floor to make MJ in US History. Um hello Madam Congresswoman we are in a recession lets do some REAL WORK! I loved Janet I just love her! Lastly Paris Melted my heart away. 

All in all it was a good memorial to remember a man who touched the lives of many. He will be missed by many. 

A First Family Birthday Party

So Sunday was a member of the ATL 1st Family's Birthday. I am not apart of the family but I am a close friend of the family. Corey invited me over so I came. When I walked in everyone was there including Douglas and "the inquisitor". Everyone there was drinking and having a good time as usual and then small reads began to fly across the room. It isn't unusual to have a room full of punks to start reading one another. Usually since I am a friend of the family no one really reads me or at least while I am there anyway but this time was different.

Douglas and I have a history. We dated, however at the time I think that I wasn't ready for something serious and that I had some personal issues that I wanted to deal with. Douglas and I are still friends and we respect that about one another. If we see each other with someone else it is what it is you know. I guess that is just something that Douglas and I are okay with. Well I sat there and talked with "the inquisitor" on the sofa and the "grandmother" of the two yell out. Hey you come here. Talking to the inquisitor. He has already talked to one of my grandchildren he can't have them both. I was floored! If I were white I would have been blood red. I wasn't upset at all more or less embarrassed. We were just talking it wasn't like I was trying to get his number or anything. I mean we see each other at the gym and we talk. I think he is a cute guy I mean I would like to get to know him on a friendship level. There always has to be a start right. Well I have a few questions because it seems as if people in the life always have a issue with somethings and I find no issue with it.

Why is it when you have dated someone and it didn't work; why is it not okay for you to date someone else who they are friends with or that the person knows? I mean it didn't work out for you all for whatever reason so why hold on to something that isn't there. I mean if it were to break up on bad terms i can understand but good terms is different. I mean we do live in atlanta so the dating circles can be somewhat small. I mean if someone else can make you happy then why shouldn't everyone be happy? Not saying that I want to do this just asking questions. 

Something else that ran through my mind was that there were probably about 20 25 people there however only 3 couples. So that left 19 other people who are single and have been for quite sometime. I think that it is time for people in our lifestyle to stop being so harsh on people and get with someone they like and work it out. There will always be someone else who is more cute, has more money,has a better education. But everyone can't make you happy.

My Beyonce Experience

So Nikita and I went to the Beyonce concert. I must say that she gave a great show. I am not a fan of hers but her energy and excitement at the show was awesome. The best part of the show for me were her male dancers. Their bodies were amazing. That put a little more gusto into me wanting to get my body right. 

I must say that our experience at the concert was somewhat different from everyone else's who I know. We were in my company's suite who we shall leave nameless for all intensive purposes. So we had our own parking deck our own elevators and were were on a floor with only other professional people. So we really didn't see any of the traditional Beyonce queens. Well except for the one in the show who Beyonce gave her Mic to shout out to "Laquan" lol. But this somewhat shows me that I am separated from so many of my friends and their experiences. Where many of them live the traditional gay life in Atlanta. I must balance my career with what I should be doing as opposed to what I want to do. 

At any rate I gotta go. It is the 4th, I Have to figure out what to do today. I am going to try to blog more but between school, work, and the gym it is hard. 

~Smooches~

Am I Depressed?

So lately I have been kinda down. I have gotten to the point to where I don't really like going to work anymore. I don't know what is really going on. I feel myself beginning to hate the city of Atlanta while other people are just dying to get here. I really don't understand why though? Is it because maybe ATL doesn't offer me what I need in my life. I guess being around a massive amount of black gay people who try to out do each other when in reality many of them are nothing but a cloud of smoke; a mirage if you will in front of all of their friends. I don't know what is going on. ATL used to be the place I would escape to when I wanted to get away from Columbus. But now it seems as if I have no place to go when I want to escape from ATL. I mean life here just seems boring to me. There is no real culture just a lot of want to be hollywood black people and a tremendous amount of gay people in which the vast majority aren't really doing anything with their lives. Sure they are in school but for how long? And will they even finish? I mean I don't get it many people I know claim to be so broke and drive around in old cars or no car at all and yet they go to the club 3 or 4 times a week. It is just mind boggling to me sometimes.

I think that when I am done with my MBA it will be time for me to leave. I have some things that I would like to accomplish in life and ATL just won't offer that. I think that DC is where I will need to be next. Economics, Foreign Relations, and Government are very much in my heart and I think that even though I may be afraid to make the step it is time for me to break out of my comfort zone and leave. When I moved here to ATL, I made a hard break and it worked. I think that I will have to make a hard break and leave here. 

I am the only person in my friends group who knows who are the CEO's of most Fortune 100 companies. The only one who watches the stock market in relation to other economic indicators. I will actually loose my mind if I haven't read CNN, THE AJC, and the WALL STREET JOURNAL at least 3 times a day. I guess I just really have a business mind set and I need to stop holding myself back trying to be more like my friends and do what is in my heart. At the age of 25 I have progressed career wise more than a lot of my older counter parts. However I mean that is not the only measure of a person but it is a large part of the person as a whole. The next 5 years will be hard for me and I know this. Sometimes I want to break down and cry because I don't know what step I should take. I pray and I cry and I pray and I cry hoping that one day the clear decision will present itself. I look at how Jamison is progressing in life and sometimes I wish that I would have had the drive to go to Medical School like he is. But, I know what God has in store for me is for me and no man on earth can change that. Well AJ is finally almost here so we can go to the gym so I am really about to leave this time.

~Smooches~

Will My Heart Mend?

So last night Jamison, AJ, and I had planned on going bowling. We have talked about going bowling for the last couple of weeks but we had not been. We decided that we would skip the gym and go ahead and bowl. Well I received a phone call from KB that he was still in Atlanta and that he was at a Birthday gathering with some of his Morehouse Brothers. He also mentioned that he was sitting directly across from my ex boyfriend CW. Well being that both of them were there, this enticed me to go. I know that it was going to be wrong and some what messy, however I wanted to go and be a little malicious towards my ex.

I will give a little background on the situation. CW really doesn't like KB. When me and him first started our relationship we met KB at a super bowl party. Well KB took interest in me, however I had a boyfriend, therefore that was not going to happen. Well I discussed the situation CW and assured him that he had nothing to worry about because I wouldn't cheat on him, however CW still didn't like KB. As time went on I became good friends with KB and CW still didn't like it. I am the kind of person who is not going to allow my boyfriend to tell me who can and can not be my friends. Well long story short CW and I broke up the day before his big birthday and I didn't do anything for him. 

Back to the story. I went and purchased some wine and a card for KB since it was his birthday the day prior and I didn't get a chance to see him. When we arrived at the restaurant. The entire table got quiet and looked back. I gave KB his gift and Jamison, AJ, and I went to a table and ordered our food. Jamison insisted that I had gave KB that gift in front of CW in spite. I have to admit maybe I did. I guess I just wanted to throw some hurt on CW because he had did something that hurt me a little a couple weeks before. Anyhow as dinner progressed AJ and Jamison kept trying to say that CW was sad because of what I had done. Honestly at that point I really didn't care because some dude he is dating was there with him, and he was giving me a very unbecoming look. Well dinner wrapped up for the table where KB and CW were and CW and his date left. The entire table began to cheer as they left. This is where I thought that maybe it had gone a little over board. Everyone at the table knew the situation and that I have feelings for KB however at the time we could have been together I was with someone. 

After the dinner Jamison, AJ and I went bowling along with KB and his friends we all had a good time. And then we all went out separate ways for the night.

So did my actions show that I actually still have some kind of feelings for CW? On the inside do CW and I really want to be back with each other? I don't really know that answer. What I do know is that there are a lot of things about him that I just don't like about him as a person and I am sure he feels the same way. Well I have to be off to the gym now it is getting late.

~Smooches~

The Transformation

It has been about six months now since AJ, Jamison, and I have been going to LA Fitness. I must say that I have seen some major changes in myself. I have gone from a 34 waist to 32 waist my weight is now 172 and I am getting a nice tone. AJ has lost his belly and has began to shape up. Jamison, well Jamison doesn't really need as much of the same kinda work that AJ and I need. Jamison already has huge arms all he has to do is tone them up. I must say I am bit envious.

All kinds of things are said about people who go to LA Fitness. A lot of people will criticize you for going. But I think it is because many of them lack the motivation and discipline it takes to work out. I must admit I thought we would hop and and "boom" there would be the muscles. But it is actually really hard work, almost like having a second job. So hats off to all of those with ripped up bodies it isn't easy to accomplish. 

Well we have had many experiences at the gym. We have these 5 guys we categorize as Iron Men who are just gorgeous with their physique. Then we have the others like "rick ross" and "five heart beats" who are just a hot mess. We make up names for people if we really don't know them. During our time we know pretty much everyone at our location on Spring. Over time as our bodies have changed more and more people have started to talk to us.

The gym has been both a negative and positive thing for me. Positive in the fact that it is great for health and physique. Also it has given me a greater since of self worth. I am not doing this for the attraction of other people but more or less for the attraction of myself. I like to look at people with a nice body so why shouldn't I be one. Negative in the fact that it can become addictive. We not only go because we want to get our body in shape but because it is a source of entertainment as well. All in all I have a goal I want to accomplish and I have to buckle down even harder to get there. Now it is time to be focused and get my grown man on.

The Return

So since January I have been gone. I decided that I would come back and begin to blog again. I see that it actually can help you get some things off your chest at times. So lets start with yesterday.

Yesterday Morning I got up and went jogging. I did the normal route. Down Sidney Marcus, Piedmont, Cheshire Bridge, and finishing back up on Sidney Marcus. It was a good run. I then came to one of my good friends AJ's showered changed clothes and went to lunch with Steve. We had grilled cheese and tomato on his patio. I love his place in Inman Village.

After that I came back to AJ's and we went with his "if I can't have you no one can" friend and went to a cookout in Douglasville. As usual I was very disappointed. No cute person in site. But this has been the norm when going with this estranged person. However, there were some females there from charlotte. One in particular seemed to take a liking to me. She flirted so I flirted back and when I left I got her number. She was from Charlotte. This reminded me so much of being in Undergrad when I actually dated girls and enjoyed it. I guess since moving to ATL I have become a product of my environment. Since I am not really around many females my attraction had been gone. Do you think that your sexual preference could be due to your environment? Well anyway I enjoyed it and it made me feel very good about myself.

As we left I talked on the phone with Douglas. Douglas is such a great guy. He told me he got a job so I am excited for him.  We talked about Corey being in Puerto Rico with Parker and how we should go. I am not really sure what is up with me and Douglas. Have you ever had a friend who is just great all the way around and stands there for all of the bullshit you may have and yet stay there. I think that deep down I would like to be with Douglas but I am one of those people who value friendship so much more. I don't want to fuck up or excellent relationship as friends because I make a mistake in our relationship. Well thats still to be thought about and worked out in private with Douglas and I.

So last night AJ and I went to a card party with this guy who is 10 years my senior. We have been dating, talking, chillin, whatever you want to call it for about 2 and a half years now. It has been off and on but within the last 7 months or so it has become more consistent. My friends all have been dating these guys in the 40's and one of them is actually in a relationship now. They always tell me that me and this guy who we will call T.E. really like each other. Me being the person I am very hard and cold from my previous relationship would say nah you know we are just chillin or whatever because we have been down this road so many times. He has an issue with me being younger than him but it seems as if that has slowly or is slowly fading away. Well anyway last night we played some game with cards and money lol I won like $40 bucks. It was fun there were a lot of people there. Then some tall light skin guy came. Well I could immediately feel the tension in the house. It seemed as T.E's friend were a bit nervous because me and this guy were in the same place at the same time. 

Usually I take my clothes in my car because I would end up staying the night over. No that doesn't mean we have sex but I usually stay over and enjoy the company. Well I had to take AJ home so usually I take him home and come back but this time was different. As everyone prepared to leave T.E. hugged everyone and kinda waited around to be one of the last to walk out to see if the mysterious guy would leave. Well it was clear that he had no intentions of leaving. So I was actually hurt and upset something that I never admit. I just walked out and did not bid T.E goodbye. As AJ, and I got on the elevator a couple of T.E's friends were with us. They asked what was wrong with me. I explained that I was a little upset about a guy and that I didn't want to go out to the club I just wanted to go home and sleep. Well they may have figured out who I was talking about but I didn't care. When we walked out on the roof of the parking deck I yelled at the top of my lungs. I was so upset and hurt I could not believe it I just wanted to leave.  AJ got in the car and was like we are going to the club. As we drove down the road I was so upset rage just came. I am a strong guy and I don't show my emotions in front of people so I was just clapping my hands and hitting the dash of the car saying I was so upset. Then I started laughing. If anyone really knows me they know I laugh to cover other emotions. I then began to cry. AJ didn't know what to do. I hate to be weak in front of him. He is like my little brother and I want him to be strong so I always try to portray that for him. He held my hand and said it would be okay. 

As we drove down T.E called my phone. I said I wouldn't answer. AJ told me to answer he knew that I wouldn't answer the call. I told T.E I would call him back. Now I wasn't in control of the situation because I had to call him back. So when I called him back we talked about it and came to a conclusion. I will not divulge that conversation lol. Anyway AJ and I walked to the gas station got some Spicy Sweet Doritos and a Jolly Rancher Green Apple Pop and went back to the house. We ate it and then I went to sleep. I am still hurt by the situation and I don't know really what to do. This is the reason why I am single. Either I like someone and I am scared to let down the emotional barrier to be hurt. Or I like someone and I don't want to fuck it up by getting in a relationship and doing something wrong.

Ughh well thats a day in the life of me. Now time to do some STATS work gotta get this MBA on. 

~Smooches`