Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Am I Depressed?

So lately I have been kinda down. I have gotten to the point to where I don't really like going to work anymore. I don't know what is really going on. I feel myself beginning to hate the city of Atlanta while other people are just dying to get here. I really don't understand why though? Is it because maybe ATL doesn't offer me what I need in my life. I guess being around a massive amount of black gay people who try to out do each other when in reality many of them are nothing but a cloud of smoke; a mirage if you will in front of all of their friends. I don't know what is going on. ATL used to be the place I would escape to when I wanted to get away from Columbus. But now it seems as if I have no place to go when I want to escape from ATL. I mean life here just seems boring to me. There is no real culture just a lot of want to be hollywood black people and a tremendous amount of gay people in which the vast majority aren't really doing anything with their lives. Sure they are in school but for how long? And will they even finish? I mean I don't get it many people I know claim to be so broke and drive around in old cars or no car at all and yet they go to the club 3 or 4 times a week. It is just mind boggling to me sometimes.

I think that when I am done with my MBA it will be time for me to leave. I have some things that I would like to accomplish in life and ATL just won't offer that. I think that DC is where I will need to be next. Economics, Foreign Relations, and Government are very much in my heart and I think that even though I may be afraid to make the step it is time for me to break out of my comfort zone and leave. When I moved here to ATL, I made a hard break and it worked. I think that I will have to make a hard break and leave here. 

I am the only person in my friends group who knows who are the CEO's of most Fortune 100 companies. The only one who watches the stock market in relation to other economic indicators. I will actually loose my mind if I haven't read CNN, THE AJC, and the WALL STREET JOURNAL at least 3 times a day. I guess I just really have a business mind set and I need to stop holding myself back trying to be more like my friends and do what is in my heart. At the age of 25 I have progressed career wise more than a lot of my older counter parts. However I mean that is not the only measure of a person but it is a large part of the person as a whole. The next 5 years will be hard for me and I know this. Sometimes I want to break down and cry because I don't know what step I should take. I pray and I cry and I pray and I cry hoping that one day the clear decision will present itself. I look at how Jamison is progressing in life and sometimes I wish that I would have had the drive to go to Medical School like he is. But, I know what God has in store for me is for me and no man on earth can change that. Well AJ is finally almost here so we can go to the gym so I am really about to leave this time.


Will My Heart Mend?

So last night Jamison, AJ, and I had planned on going bowling. We have talked about going bowling for the last couple of weeks but we had not been. We decided that we would skip the gym and go ahead and bowl. Well I received a phone call from KB that he was still in Atlanta and that he was at a Birthday gathering with some of his Morehouse Brothers. He also mentioned that he was sitting directly across from my ex boyfriend CW. Well being that both of them were there, this enticed me to go. I know that it was going to be wrong and some what messy, however I wanted to go and be a little malicious towards my ex.

I will give a little background on the situation. CW really doesn't like KB. When me and him first started our relationship we met KB at a super bowl party. Well KB took interest in me, however I had a boyfriend, therefore that was not going to happen. Well I discussed the situation CW and assured him that he had nothing to worry about because I wouldn't cheat on him, however CW still didn't like KB. As time went on I became good friends with KB and CW still didn't like it. I am the kind of person who is not going to allow my boyfriend to tell me who can and can not be my friends. Well long story short CW and I broke up the day before his big birthday and I didn't do anything for him. 

Back to the story. I went and purchased some wine and a card for KB since it was his birthday the day prior and I didn't get a chance to see him. When we arrived at the restaurant. The entire table got quiet and looked back. I gave KB his gift and Jamison, AJ, and I went to a table and ordered our food. Jamison insisted that I had gave KB that gift in front of CW in spite. I have to admit maybe I did. I guess I just wanted to throw some hurt on CW because he had did something that hurt me a little a couple weeks before. Anyhow as dinner progressed AJ and Jamison kept trying to say that CW was sad because of what I had done. Honestly at that point I really didn't care because some dude he is dating was there with him, and he was giving me a very unbecoming look. Well dinner wrapped up for the table where KB and CW were and CW and his date left. The entire table began to cheer as they left. This is where I thought that maybe it had gone a little over board. Everyone at the table knew the situation and that I have feelings for KB however at the time we could have been together I was with someone. 

After the dinner Jamison, AJ and I went bowling along with KB and his friends we all had a good time. And then we all went out separate ways for the night.

So did my actions show that I actually still have some kind of feelings for CW? On the inside do CW and I really want to be back with each other? I don't really know that answer. What I do know is that there are a lot of things about him that I just don't like about him as a person and I am sure he feels the same way. Well I have to be off to the gym now it is getting late.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Transformation

It has been about six months now since AJ, Jamison, and I have been going to LA Fitness. I must say that I have seen some major changes in myself. I have gone from a 34 waist to 32 waist my weight is now 172 and I am getting a nice tone. AJ has lost his belly and has began to shape up. Jamison, well Jamison doesn't really need as much of the same kinda work that AJ and I need. Jamison already has huge arms all he has to do is tone them up. I must say I am bit envious.

All kinds of things are said about people who go to LA Fitness. A lot of people will criticize you for going. But I think it is because many of them lack the motivation and discipline it takes to work out. I must admit I thought we would hop and and "boom" there would be the muscles. But it is actually really hard work, almost like having a second job. So hats off to all of those with ripped up bodies it isn't easy to accomplish. 

Well we have had many experiences at the gym. We have these 5 guys we categorize as Iron Men who are just gorgeous with their physique. Then we have the others like "rick ross" and "five heart beats" who are just a hot mess. We make up names for people if we really don't know them. During our time we know pretty much everyone at our location on Spring. Over time as our bodies have changed more and more people have started to talk to us.

The gym has been both a negative and positive thing for me. Positive in the fact that it is great for health and physique. Also it has given me a greater since of self worth. I am not doing this for the attraction of other people but more or less for the attraction of myself. I like to look at people with a nice body so why shouldn't I be one. Negative in the fact that it can become addictive. We not only go because we want to get our body in shape but because it is a source of entertainment as well. All in all I have a goal I want to accomplish and I have to buckle down even harder to get there. Now it is time to be focused and get my grown man on.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

The Return

So since January I have been gone. I decided that I would come back and begin to blog again. I see that it actually can help you get some things off your chest at times. So lets start with yesterday.

Yesterday Morning I got up and went jogging. I did the normal route. Down Sidney Marcus, Piedmont, Cheshire Bridge, and finishing back up on Sidney Marcus. It was a good run. I then came to one of my good friends AJ's showered changed clothes and went to lunch with Steve. We had grilled cheese and tomato on his patio. I love his place in Inman Village.

After that I came back to AJ's and we went with his "if I can't have you no one can" friend and went to a cookout in Douglasville. As usual I was very disappointed. No cute person in site. But this has been the norm when going with this estranged person. However, there were some females there from charlotte. One in particular seemed to take a liking to me. She flirted so I flirted back and when I left I got her number. She was from Charlotte. This reminded me so much of being in Undergrad when I actually dated girls and enjoyed it. I guess since moving to ATL I have become a product of my environment. Since I am not really around many females my attraction had been gone. Do you think that your sexual preference could be due to your environment? Well anyway I enjoyed it and it made me feel very good about myself.

As we left I talked on the phone with Douglas. Douglas is such a great guy. He told me he got a job so I am excited for him.  We talked about Corey being in Puerto Rico with Parker and how we should go. I am not really sure what is up with me and Douglas. Have you ever had a friend who is just great all the way around and stands there for all of the bullshit you may have and yet stay there. I think that deep down I would like to be with Douglas but I am one of those people who value friendship so much more. I don't want to fuck up or excellent relationship as friends because I make a mistake in our relationship. Well thats still to be thought about and worked out in private with Douglas and I.

So last night AJ and I went to a card party with this guy who is 10 years my senior. We have been dating, talking, chillin, whatever you want to call it for about 2 and a half years now. It has been off and on but within the last 7 months or so it has become more consistent. My friends all have been dating these guys in the 40's and one of them is actually in a relationship now. They always tell me that me and this guy who we will call T.E. really like each other. Me being the person I am very hard and cold from my previous relationship would say nah you know we are just chillin or whatever because we have been down this road so many times. He has an issue with me being younger than him but it seems as if that has slowly or is slowly fading away. Well anyway last night we played some game with cards and money lol I won like $40 bucks. It was fun there were a lot of people there. Then some tall light skin guy came. Well I could immediately feel the tension in the house. It seemed as T.E's friend were a bit nervous because me and this guy were in the same place at the same time. 

Usually I take my clothes in my car because I would end up staying the night over. No that doesn't mean we have sex but I usually stay over and enjoy the company. Well I had to take AJ home so usually I take him home and come back but this time was different. As everyone prepared to leave T.E. hugged everyone and kinda waited around to be one of the last to walk out to see if the mysterious guy would leave. Well it was clear that he had no intentions of leaving. So I was actually hurt and upset something that I never admit. I just walked out and did not bid T.E goodbye. As AJ, and I got on the elevator a couple of T.E's friends were with us. They asked what was wrong with me. I explained that I was a little upset about a guy and that I didn't want to go out to the club I just wanted to go home and sleep. Well they may have figured out who I was talking about but I didn't care. When we walked out on the roof of the parking deck I yelled at the top of my lungs. I was so upset and hurt I could not believe it I just wanted to leave.  AJ got in the car and was like we are going to the club. As we drove down the road I was so upset rage just came. I am a strong guy and I don't show my emotions in front of people so I was just clapping my hands and hitting the dash of the car saying I was so upset. Then I started laughing. If anyone really knows me they know I laugh to cover other emotions. I then began to cry. AJ didn't know what to do. I hate to be weak in front of him. He is like my little brother and I want him to be strong so I always try to portray that for him. He held my hand and said it would be okay. 

As we drove down T.E called my phone. I said I wouldn't answer. AJ told me to answer he knew that I wouldn't answer the call. I told T.E I would call him back. Now I wasn't in control of the situation because I had to call him back. So when I called him back we talked about it and came to a conclusion. I will not divulge that conversation lol. Anyway AJ and I walked to the gas station got some Spicy Sweet Doritos and a Jolly Rancher Green Apple Pop and went back to the house. We ate it and then I went to sleep. I am still hurt by the situation and I don't know really what to do. This is the reason why I am single. Either I like someone and I am scared to let down the emotional barrier to be hurt. Or I like someone and I don't want to fuck it up by getting in a relationship and doing something wrong.

Ughh well thats a day in the life of me. Now time to do some STATS work gotta get this MBA on.